FEAR

May 13, 2009.

It's so hard for me to believe that date was already a year ago.

I was feeling so many different things that day- happiness, excitement, joy, and most of all fear.

For those that don't know, that was the day I stepped into the BigStuf house in Alpharetta, Georgia to begin my summer internship with BigStuf camps. This was the day I met 15 other college students who I would soon find out would end up being some of my best friends. I met 3 incredible intern leaders who I not only saw as my leaders, but my mentors and family members as well. This was the day that would forever change my life.

This all happened exactly a year ago. Now having all the time between last May and this May, I decided to reflect on what last summer meant to me and how it impacted me and is still impacting me today.

Looking back on what has happened this past year, there is one word that comes to my mind more than any other-fear. Isaiah 41:10a says "Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God." This is such a powerful verse filled with truth. So why, on this day, was I filled with such fear? I knew that God was with me every step of the way on this internship and I knew He had called me to do this, yet I was scared to death. Scared of the unknown. Scared of what the future had in store for me.

Little did I know, this day was only the first of many that I would be faced with fear.

Fast forward to May 19th. The day I met the most precious little boy in Kenya-Lekumok Kisindi. This happens to be the same little boy that I started sponsoring through Compassion International back in 2007. I was given the opportunity to meet with him, play with him, talk with him, laugh with him, and be a child again with him. Before I had to leave him, I was given the opportunity to pray over his entire family, including his extremely sick sister. For some reason, fear rushed over me. I was scared I couldn't hold it together in front of this little boy. Scared I would say something wrong. Scared that I would mess up this incredible moment that only God could have orchestrated. Just plain scared. Fear caused me to back out of this incredible opportunity and ask one of my other team members to pray instead. My leader, Jackson, pulled me aside and explained to me that this was one of those moments I would regret the rest of my life if I didn't do it. He explained that I had no choice, that I was going to do this, that I was going to face my fear head on. After this quick talk, the family and my team members gathered in a circle to pray for this precious family, and I prayed over them, facing my fears. Tears filled my eyes and I struggled to get through the prayer. But wow, I can honestly say this was the most humbling experience of my life. I am so thankful Jackson pushed me to pray, thankful I didn't give in to my fear, thankful I didn't have to live with regret. Fear has a way of causing us to have regrets. And Jackson, if you are reading this, thank you.

Fast forward to July 21st. This was the day I spoke about my experiences in Kenya to 1500 students at camp. To some people that may not be a big deal. But, to someone who hates public speaking, this was a huge deal. As you can imagine, I was faced with fear once again. I kept thinking my story wasn't good enough, my story wasn't interesting enough, my story wasn't going to keep the attention of 1500 students. Before I went out on that stage I had prayer time with one of my best friends, Karlie. I remember after saying "Amen," I had this amazing peace just come over me. I faced my fears, went out on that stage, and shared about my experience in Kenya, and actually enjoyed it! The same God who created this earth, who parted the seas, and who raised is son from the dead spoke through me. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Now fast forward to August 4th. This was the hardest day. This was the day I had to tell my BigStuf family goodbye. It was time for all of us to take what we learned from serving at BigStuf for 2.5 months and go back to our different parts of the country and put it in action. I once again had fear rush over me. What am I going to do without my BigStuf family? the interns? my leaders? What on earth am I going to do in Oklahoma? After flying home that evening, sitting in my room by myself for the first time in 2.5 months, I realized that this was another one of those times in my life that I had to step out in faith to what God was calling me to do. I realized that this time, I had to do that by myself, and without my BigStuf family. But I also realized that when God calls you to do something, He is going to come through.

Last summer taught me so much. I could honestly go on and on. But the thing God was teaching me over the summer and is still teaching me deals with that one word-fear. Looking back at those experiences I mentioned, I realized that I can't let fear rule me, it has to be faith. God doesn't call me to live fearfully, but faithfully. He doesn't want me to fear the things of this world, but fear only Him. I realize that if I let fear overtake me, I am going to miss out on some incredible things that God has in store for my life. I was scared that very first day of the internship. Part of me wanted to back down. But look at what I would have missed out on if I would have let fear get in the way. I learned that when I place my fears in the hands of God, he takes them over and they are no longer mine. I think a Britt Nicole song, Walk on the Water, describes what I have learned perfectly...

If you take that first step
into the unknown
You know that he won't let you go

So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes
And you can walk on the water too

Step out, even when a storm hits
Step out, even when you're broken
Step out, even when your heart is telling you to give up
Step out, when your hope is stolen
Step out, you can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid

There is so much uncertainty with my future. How will my last two years of college go? Will I get a P.E. teaching job? Will I get a coaching job? Where will I live? So many questions. I'm choosing to not fear the future anymore, but to embrace it. I don't know where I'm going, but I know the ONE I'm following.

Bigstuf interns, leaders, and family, THANK YOU for an incredible summer that started exactly a year ago. Thanks for an amazing ride. I am so blessed to have been able to "do life" with yall for a moment in time. Thanks for being with me through all my times of fear-it means the world to me. Thankful for each and every one you. I love you and miss you all lots!

"If we are afraid of the future, afraid of change, then we will miss out on what God has called us to do." -Jim Ryun